Diary Of A Man Who Refuses To Date Girls Who Either Like Or Associate With People Who Like The Movie 'White Chicks'
Friday 7/18
I picked Amber up at 7:30 and we drove downtown to check out this new Thai place that's been getting rave reviews. I was a little nervous because I didn't really like the shirt I picked out and she looked stunning, but she was pretty outgoing right from the start, which made me more comfortable. We got there in time for my reservation and they had valet parking, which was nice. I'd never used a valet before. We went inside and were seated almost immediately. After ordering some wine, we made friendly conversation. I asked her about her favorite movies and she said she likes stupid comedies, which piqued my curiosity, so I pressed the issue by asking if she meant things like Waiting. She responded "no, I mean like White Chicks, and stuff like that." At once I felt that same churning in my stomach that I always feel. I excused myself to the restroom and darted outside to retrieve my car and go home. I'm going to ask my brother if he likes this shirt. I don't really like this shirt.
Saturday 7/19
Went down to the coffeeshop around 1 for a little afternoon pick-me-up. The girl behind the counter was kind of fat. She chose to accentuate this feature by wearing incredibly tight pants. I don't know why she didn't just buy bigger pants. They don't charge more for the extra fabric. I sat down on the patio at a table next to this cute little brunette, who was there with her dog. We made eyes for a few minutes and eventually got to talking. I asked her about her favorite movies. She said she likes things like Requiem, stuff that really tugs at her heartstrings. I thought that was kind of cool. We were probably talking for about 45 minutes. Later on she got a phone call and said it was one of her girlfriends. I sat there listening intently and asked her to ask her friend about her favorite movies. She raised her index finger but I don't think she heard me the first time so I asked again. This time she rolled her eyes and turned away from me. I think the noise from the street must have been too loud. A few minutes later she hung up and turned back. I asked her about her friend's favorite movies. She said her friend is really into the Wayans brothers. I asked if she meant things like White Chicks. She said yeah that sounds familiar. My right arm shivered and I knew it was time to leave. I took her cup of coffee and threw it away because she hadn't touched it in a little while and she was probably done.
Sunday 7/20
Dear Marlon Wayans,
I was flipping through channels this afternoon looking for an easy way to pass the time when I came across a military-looking movie on TBS. I thought it might be worth a look, so I stuck around, ready to be entertained. The entertainment never came, and at the end I was out an hour and a half that I could've used to, I dunno, rake the leaves or perform surgery on my own elbow with pliers and a bottle opener. Major Payne is easily right up there with White Chicks as one of the two worst movies I've ever seen in my life. And guess what they have in common! Your unfunny stupid ass. After that display I can't believe someone watched you and thought "that's the guy I want to lead my next vehicle." I didn't laugh once. Not a single time. I got a little excited when that big dude showed up and looked like he was gonna whup your smarmy dumb face to little bits, but it never happened, so I was left feeling even more disappointed than I already would've been having spent a significant portion of my Sunday watching Major Payne. You are the worst actor in Hollywood. A pox on you, a pox on your family, and a pox on whatever illegitimate children you probably have running around all over the country since God knows it probably isn't very hard to trick the kinds of women who like your movies into sleeping with you. Your death will bring me considerable delight.
Monday 7/21
That was Damon Wayans.
Tuesday 7/22
If you were in the wild, and you encountered a velociraptor, and the velociraptor speaks English, would you be more or less inclined to try to kill it?
Wednesday 7/23
I invited Stacy from work over for dinner and a movie. I asked what she wanted to watch, and she didn't know, so I asked if she wanted to watch White Chicks, and she said she'd never heard of it, but that she's open to anything, so sure. I put it in my DVD player and we sat back on the couch. About halfway through I looked at her and held her hand. When the movie was over she laughed and said she really liked it. I let go of her hand and said she should probably leave. She looked at me puzzledly and asked for my phone number, so I gave her Circuit City's. I pretended that there was a fire in the kitchen to make her leave faster. Some guests know how to overstay a welcome.
Thursday 7/24
I went down to the coffeeshop during lunch to get a kick and a little fresh air. I was standing in line behind this athletic-looking redhead. When she turned to glance at the door I caught her attention and we started chatting. Her name was Aubrey. When we both got our coffees I asked if she wanted to sit with me on the patio, but she said she had to run to work, so I asked for her phone number and she gave it to me and told me to call before the weekend. Before she left I asked if she likes the movie White Chicks. She made a face and said "ew, no." I think she's lying.
21 recs |
195 comments
Comments
It seems that you are using the fact that a woman likes White Chicks as an excuse not to get close to her.
I mean I’ll admit that movie was a pile of shit, but there must be some more important qualities to base liking a woman off of. I think you are just being too cynical.
JI/Robert '08!
by Fin on Jul 31, 2008 1:07 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
This is a work of fiction, not an autobiography.
by Jeff on Jul 31, 2008 1:14 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That's a shame.
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Jul 31, 2008 10:07 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have a similar policy.
Except that it is that I won’t date someone who does not like the film Billy Madison. If you don’t find that to be the funniest film ever made, our relationship will never work.
by thewyrm on Jul 31, 2008 1:17 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
How is single life?
FanShots are underrated.
by acblue on Jul 31, 2008 1:19 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Much better than being hooked up with a girl who has no sense of humor.
The current possible dating interest has not seen it yet.
by thewyrm on Jul 31, 2008 3:07 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I will take this opportunity to say again that this post is completely made up and in no way reflects anything about myself as a person
by Jeff on Jul 31, 2008 1:21 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
So "White Chicks" and "Major Payne" are your favorite movies?
FanShots are underrated.
by acblue on Jul 31, 2008 1:25 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's good to clarify this for Robert.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 4:20 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Well, evevryone should have figured that one out
by the time you were talking to the athletic redhead named Aubrey. Redheaded women named Aubrey don’t exist, except maybe in Hammett/Chandler books.
by Bearskin Rugburn on Aug 1, 2008 5:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have little idea of what the fuck I just read
But somehow I am glad that I did. Well done, and you make an excellent point about White Chicks. Absolute Dogshit, and I have never seen more than ten seconds worth of it
HA HA HA, your Grandpa's an ASS!- Tourette's Guy (R.I.P)
by tootthekazoo on Jul 31, 2008 2:06 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I don't get the part where one of the Wayans has to "seduce"
that jacked black athlete guy. It didn’t make much sense to me.
by LantermanC on Jul 31, 2008 7:53 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Nice work! Something different.
I must say, though, that “Don’t Be a Menace” is a fucking masterpiece. For anyone who grew up in the ‘90s listening to West Coast hip-hop and watching movies like “Boyz N The Hood” and “Menace II Society,” that movie was incredibly funny and never got the respect it deserved.
by Teej on Jul 31, 2008 3:16 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Dad, can I talk to you a moment
You know, teenager to teenager
by mariners124m on Jul 31, 2008 9:10 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Tell me you did not just say bad things about Major Payne.
One Vision, One Purpose
Peace Through Power
by Goose on Jul 31, 2008 3:35 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
It was a lot better than Juwanna Man
That movie was so bad it actually had Kim Wayans in it.
by OlSalty on Jul 31, 2008 7:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Major Payne is a great movie.
that one scene when he’s telling the kid his version of the little engine that could was pure funny
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 8:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I am inclined to agree
I made everyone I have ever dated watch The Big Lebowski. If they like it or at least don’t diss it then I keep them around.
In fact, my rules were (before I got married) were:
1. Don’t hate on The Big Lebowski
2. Make good cookies
3. Make good Spaghetti
4. Put out
5. If you laugh at my legos, anime/manga collection, baseball cards, or how much I can eat at Jack in the Box in one sitting then you’re gone
6. Don’t Make me call my mom
by aestivalis on Jul 31, 2008 4:04 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
It has come to my attention recently that men have some interesting requirements for dating women.
Given the hour, I think that’s all I’ll say about that.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 4:24 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
That's actually not bad.
I have about 20 different things I require from a woman before I’ll consider it a relationship. Nothing scary, just some basic stuff like:
#1 – Doesn’t drive her “daddy’s” brand new mercedes/bmw/porche around (takes care of the rich bitches).
Well below, and not necessarily in an order –
2 – Has a job & own place, or is in school
3 – No smoking, little to no drinking, partying
4 – Camps/hikes/trail rides, or is willing to try.
5 – Can converse about things they like to do, not TV shows they watch.
5a – Has a hobby that requires getting out of the house, preferably something that they can talk about in a detailed way as well.
6 – Likes, or at least is indifferent to, baseball in all its forms (I like to go to a lot of minor league games, as well as play in a couple leagues a year). Can play is a plus.
etc.
I’ve had my best successes in the dating world come from being up front about my whole list, and my current GF found me on a dating site online where I had pasted my list in its entirety w/o any other comment. I think this one would last, except for she wants to stay in NJ, and I want to move back to the West Coast in a few years.
Oops, I forgot another important one – is willing to fight for Cascadian independence (not really, but she has to like the idea when I bring it up).
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 5:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
College Student:
1. Is a girl.
2. Is alive and awake.
3. Is not a huge slut.
3a. Unless I’m hammered then who cares.
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 6:02 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You can do better than that
For relationships:
1. Is a girl
2. Is alive and awake
3. Is not a huge slut
4. Has some sort of hilarious mannerism that half the population finds annoying but I find hilariously awesome
5. When I say “Yeah, I spend my time taking 12 hour drives for fun” they respond with “Oh Wow! I want to go” not just giving me a blank look
6. Can carry a random conversation
7. Knows how to make a sandwich
8. Has nice friends/is the “alpha” female in the group (seriously- I don’t know how many times I’ve gotten shot down not by the girl but by the girl’s friends)
9. Likes it when I spend money on them but isn’t high maintenance
10. Realizes that when I’m in class I can’t be texting them about their favorite soup
11. Enjoys doing fun things, is open to all kinds of new activities
11a. Doesn’t mind if we both suck at said activities
Unless I’m hammered then all rules go out the window except 1-2, much like you
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Jul 31, 2008 10:18 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
For lack of anything better to do this morning…NOLA’s dating requirements:
Must not enjoy killing small animals for fun
No Braves fans allowed
Appreciates the awesomeness of old John Cusack movies such as Better Off Dead (or watches them and gets it)
Does not have a hick accent
Refuses to wear body paint to a sporting event
Exhibits a childlike sense of wonder
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 7:16 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Wow I only went 4/6
that can’t be good
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 7:17 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Putting on body paint to kill small animals for fun
and calling it a sporting event really doesn’t appeal to most women.
by Jed MC on Jul 31, 2008 7:26 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, that was only one of the two
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 7:27 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That's two so I'm confused.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 7:31 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Body paint and Braves fan
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 8:04 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I rescind the happy birthday
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:25 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
What if I give up the body paint idea
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:12 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Give up the chop.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I don't do the chop
I just like the Braves
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
And yet...yet many seem attracted to the men in body paint who on other days kill animals for sheer joy.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 7:30 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
My grandma dropped acid this morning, and she kind of freaked out...
And hijacked a busload of penguins.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 7:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
He keeps putting his testicles all over me.
by seamariners85 on Jul 31, 2008 8:10 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's a real shame when folks be throwin' away a perfectly good white boy like that.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:26 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Do you know what the street value of this mountain is?
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Jul 31, 2008 8:39 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Gee, I'm really sorry your mom blew up.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:44 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
sucide is never the answer, little trooper.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Jul 31, 2008 8:49 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Go that way. Real fast. If something gets in your way, turn.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 9:02 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's got raisins in it
You like raisins!
Such a great movie.
by PDXTai on Jul 31, 2008 9:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Well, at least there are a few out there that know what I'm talking about...
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 9:37 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I can't do quotes, but I like that movie, and I could give you High Fidelity until the wee hours of the morning.
But from your list, it sounds like you’ll be single in the south for a while.
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 9:39 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Here are some French Fries,
French Toast, French Dressing
by Sec 108 on Jul 31, 2008 9:46 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
No...just not dating southern boys.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I think you mean tentacles.
I'm back to liking midgets too much.
by Thingray on Jul 31, 2008 12:11 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I was waiting for that.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 12:19 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I would never discriminate solely based on the team someone likes.
by JI on Jul 31, 2008 8:49 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I could not date someone who chops.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
They may not chop
they may think it’s a racist version of the wave.
by JI on Jul 31, 2008 8:59 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'll play it safe and stick to Mariners fans.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 9:02 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Better Off Dead is one of the greatest movies ever in my book.
But come to think of it, I’m not sure my GF has ever seen it. I’ll have to add it to the “movies to watch” list.
I'm back to liking midgets too much.
by Thingray on Jul 31, 2008 12:10 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Should be a requirement.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 12:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This is a good list.
Sounds like mine except 5. I like TV shows.
by LantermanC on Jul 31, 2008 7:55 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Cascadian Independance?
My hope was always for Alaska, Yukon, BC, Washington, Oregon, and Idaho to join forces as the North Pacific Empire.
by thewyrm on Jul 31, 2008 8:05 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You're gonna need a lot of hope
I'm more like I am now than I've ever been.
by ralphie81 on Jul 31, 2008 9:08 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It puzzles me that you had Circuit City's number ready to go off the top of your head for Stacy
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 6:32 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I picture him checking his phone log and her not being bright enough to notice.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 6:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Speed-dial #3
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 7:25 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I liked that movie where some guy dies
and one of the Wayans goes on to win the NCAA championships for the Huskies.
Bulletproof with one of the Wayans and Adam Sandler was also pretty ok.
I kind of have the same rule, except it’s more like if you like Britney Spears or Justin Timberlake, then that’s an automatic no.
Good writing though, very funny. You an English Major?
by LantermanC on Jul 31, 2008 7:50 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Bulletproof is a great movie.
IMO one of Sandler’s best.
Also the first Scary Movie was fantastic
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 8:31 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The one with the Huskies is The 6th Man.
A friend of mine was an extra in the stands. His reward was a free sandwich.
by Teej on Jul 31, 2008 1:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
If a velociraptor could speak english I'd definitely kill it faster
That’s just what we need, super-intelligent, pityless killing machines. No thank you.
by OlSalty on Jul 31, 2008 7:53 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I would clone it and keep them as pets
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 8:32 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Sell one of them to the Mariners.
Run his ass out there during a rally.
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 9:20 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Quick points...
1) You never doubt your taste in clothing.
2) You don’t drink wine.
3) You never ask your brother anything.
4) Did your parakeet speak English? No? And you didn’t kill him? Think about that.
5) At least you got in touch with your inner paranoia.
David Ortiz > God
by brick Royl on Jul 31, 2008 8:21 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I'm starting to think you might be useful
by Robert on Jul 31, 2008 8:28 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I knew you would feel this way.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:33 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I don't get it.
What am I useful for? And why is it unremarkable that Robert finds me so handy?
David Ortiz > God
by brick Royl on Jul 31, 2008 10:48 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You lost me with the parakeet thing...
by LantermanC on Jul 31, 2008 8:34 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Jeff had a parakeet.
It was like a little fuzzy velociraptor. But it didn’t speak English.
David Ortiz > God
by brick Royl on Jul 31, 2008 10:45 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
but it's on the internet! And it was written by a person! So it's gotta be true!
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Jul 31, 2008 8:51 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
In all seriousness, your talents are wasted in the science world
you should get paid for your words.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Jul 31, 2008 8:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Perhaps, but it's indicative
of, for example, your epic disdain for fat women and the Wayans Brothers. And your fascination with velociraptors.
David Ortiz > God
by brick Royl on Jul 31, 2008 10:47 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Everyone's fascinated with velociraptors.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 10:49 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I taught the first joint of my index finger to curve like a velociraptor claw when I was 11 and read Jurassic Park.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:55 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Rec'd for making me laugh for 5 minutes
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 11:36 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
My favorite is robert bakker "possible raptor sympathizer"
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 11:41 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
can raptors pick locks was quite good as well.
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 12:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The only things cooler than Velociraptors
are Utahraptors.
FACT: Raptor Red is quite possibly the best book ever written.
Go Nova
by dbroncos31 on Jul 31, 2008 11:39 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
What's wrong with wine?
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Jul 31, 2008 10:09 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Jeff doesn't drink it.
I have no problem with it, on the other hand.
David Ortiz > God
by brick Royl on Jul 31, 2008 10:55 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
As long as it ws one of those flip books with line drawings that look like they move.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Jul 31, 2008 8:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This is a suggestion I support.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 8:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Needs more paint.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:56 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I love how half the people who read it took it seriously
It’s as if we know Jeff is so crazy that this could be true.
by Gomez on Jul 31, 2008 9:23 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Cashier: Will you be purchasing this with your Barnes & Nobles card today?
Me: No.
Cashier: Would you like to sign up for one?
Me: Not really.
Cashier: You can save 10% off your purchases.
Me: That’s all?
Cashier: You’d be saving $2.00 on your purchase today.
Me: OK…
Cashier: It’s a great deal.
Me: I guess.
Cashier: So, do you think you’d be interested?
Me: No.
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 9:48 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's best to just take those in stride.
My friend had to do that as a cashier at BN, because his boss got a bonus for cards signed up for on his shift, and said friend would get yelled at if the boss heard of him not pushing it.
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 9:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That's pretty gay.
You have to a member for everything these days.
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 9:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Or you can just pay the normal prices,
and think of the extra 10% or whatever as a “privacy fee” to keep their mitts off your information.
Or you could go to WalMart and screw over everyone but the CEOs of Walmart.
Honestly, if I don’t buy something online, I buy it local (especially food). It costs a little more, but it helps you out in the long run, because it keeps jobs in your area.
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 10:08 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Bad bookseller. Bad.
My brother works at B&N. You’re supposed to ask once and then can it if they refuse.
by Gomez on Jul 31, 2008 10:17 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Not a lot of married folks here.
The pragmatic requirements are things like
1. Chews her cereal in a not-annoying way.
2. Understands that checking email at 3 AM is same as getting glass of water at 3 AM.
3. Can tolerate the background noise of baseball games at all times.
4. Does not freak out when you decide to climb a tree.
Children, until we have taught them better, will be perfectly happy with a seasonal round of games in which conkers succeeds hopscotch.
by salb918 on Jul 31, 2008 9:05 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
The Three R's:
- Reads TV Guide
- Writes to TV Guide
- Renews TV Guide
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 9:33 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm effectively married (though not actually married)
I even have a daughter. She’s one month old.
Anyway, basic requirements are things like:
1. Eats meat.
2. Knows what irony is.
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Jul 31, 2008 10:16 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I agree with most of this subthread.
But seriously, salb did you have some recurring troubles with women who chew cereal in a really annoying way because that’s honestly something I probably never would have noticed.
"Ever tried? Ever failed? No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better." - Samuel Beckett http://mvn.com/milb-mariners/
by JY on Jul 31, 2008 11:54 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I agree with most of this as well.
I'm back to liking midgets too much.
by Thingray on Jul 31, 2008 12:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Eats meat
This has future implications for both you and her. Some could be positive, but there are some negatives.
Based on how most single young dudes here talk about women the list should be:
1. Talks with me for 15 minutes without running away.
Go Fo Broke!
by eknpdx on Jul 31, 2008 12:29 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That was more than a little rude.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 12:39 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yes
I think all of us have had more success than that
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Jul 31, 2008 12:42 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I feel like this jpeg is overused
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Jul 31, 2008 12:45 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's not.
Nobody important cares about the dating habits of LL commenters.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 12:47 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You are the only one that thinks that.
One Vision, One Purpose
Peace Through Power
by Goose on Jul 31, 2008 9:40 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
OH
I thought there was something wrong with the implied vegetarian comment.
If hurt someone’s feeling, my bad. Been married for 12 years with kids, so I tend to joke around wiht other married folks about how in the world we managed to get hitched.
Go Fo Broke!
by eknpdx on Jul 31, 2008 12:52 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Seemed a little harsh, is all.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 1:08 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That was very enjoyable and I understand it is non-fiction
However, one thing for you young fellas to think about when dating seriously. If the woman hates her father she will eventually hate you.
Marry a woman with an awesome Dad and you will find conflict resolution to be a breeze.
by Sec 108 on Jul 31, 2008 9:50 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
My general rule of thumb:
A woman will end up having a similar relationship with you as she does with her father and she will end up looking and acting like her mother.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 9:52 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That is all true except for one thing in my situation.
Since my wife was adopted from Korea there is no way she will ever look like a blond white woman.
by Sec 108 on Jul 31, 2008 10:06 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Does the reverse work for men - relationship with mom and looking and acting like dad?
by Jed MC on Jul 31, 2008 10:16 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It doesn't.
I’ve found that I generally exhibit the same kind of knuckleheaded mannerisms that my father does… only to run to my mother for guidance and level-headedness.
Girls are easily annoyed with this kind of behavior because… 1) i’m a wuss… and 2) my behavior never changes.
Thus, in 27 years… the grand total of girlfriends I’ve had for two months or longer = 0.
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 10:40 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
So you act just like your father
and turn to your mother for support?
And you think this contradicts what I just said?
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 10:50 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
"Mama's" boys are "cute"; not "necessary."
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 11:06 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Anyone understand how this relates to something I said?
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 11:10 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Does the reverse work for men – relationship with mom and looking and acting like dad?
Your response:
Don’t know, but I bet so.
My experiences would seem to indicate otherwise.
by oc on Jul 31, 2008 11:20 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This would be a witty riposte to the online raptor-fearing persona of Randall Munroe
if he had asked whether you were on crack.
Well done?
by Graham on Jul 31, 2008 11:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Oh jeez did my comment threaten you? MY BAD!!!!!! ...
by Graham on Jul 31, 2008 11:39 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Thankfully you aren't real life; thus, I don't care one bit.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 11:42 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I've already told you, Strasburg's San Diego bound
He’ll take a year out if he’s drafted by the Nationals or the Mariners.
by Graham on Jul 31, 2008 11:46 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Haha no wonder
Nearly all my GFs were estranged from their fathers.
by Gomez on Jul 31, 2008 10:18 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Aren't you too young to make this call?
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:57 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Matthew goes for the cougars
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:58 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Cougar hunting is a worthwhile activity.
No strings is the best.
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 11:01 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I like to study people.
It beats interacting with them.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 10:58 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Good point.
I would do cartwheels over my name written in sand
by NOLAmarinergirl on Jul 31, 2008 10:59 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Never too young to speak truths.
And looking at numerous family albums of past girlfriends, the moms and gfs were almost identical in childhood pictures.
Of course, I looked exactly like my grandfather and uncle on my moms side, not my dad, when I was young. I then grew up to look a lot like him once I hit my 20s.
by Faux on Jul 31, 2008 11:00 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
So how does a girl who never really had a father end up acting?
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Jul 31, 2008 11:04 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
According to Howard Stern
She becomes a stripper.
by Sec 108 on Jul 31, 2008 11:32 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This makes sense
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Jul 31, 2008 11:36 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Down with fathers!
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Jul 31, 2008 12:06 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Totally unconvincing.
Aubrey is a man’s name.
I like using semi-colons; they make me feel smart.
by Llewdor on Jul 31, 2008 10:17 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I think this is where Morgan Freeman narrating Jeff's Diaries' Life would be hilarious
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:20 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Oh Jesus, I just got kicked in the nuts...
Longtime lurker, Love LL and its community, first post ever: To Matthew: My wife’s mother is a fat bitch-hog and her relationship with her father is extremely poor. I will now shed a tear. I came for some nice Mariner-talk and leave with a sense of dread. Jeff – love the diary and your misc. writing as much as your baseball insight. Keep it up. How ‘bout another campfire story?
by CdA Guy on Jul 31, 2008 10:23 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
General rule of thumb for a reason.
Not 100% predictive. There’s also the repulsive force in children sometimes where they end up staying in that “rebellious” phase their whole life because they don’t like how their parents are.
by Matthew on Jul 31, 2008 10:29 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I don't understand the inspiration behind this post
but dear God it is epic
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:25 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I also think it would have been hilarious if JeffS had written this post
The Jose Lopez Watch - 129H - 16 BB - 56 G Left
by seattlebruin on Jul 31, 2008 10:47 AM PDT up reply actions 1 recs
Boy you some kind of crazy
Romanes eunt domus
by Last Fan Of Jose Lopez on Jul 31, 2008 11:33 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Awesome post.
How do you know the girl from work wasn’t just trying to be nice?
And I have so many more questions:
1) Why do you own White Chicks?
2) Why did you spend money on White Chicks?
3) What made you think it was worth your time in the first place? I have never seen the movie, and I may or may not be a rocket scientist.
4) Why did you elect to watch it with her. I understand it was a test but if it were THAT bad, why torture yourself? You may be a masochist.
5) Why were you watching a movie instead of getting funky?
6) Could alcohol eschewed your brain a bit when watching this film multiple times?
Impressive how you whore yourself. I have a pickup line that works everytime. And you shouldn’t complain…I have had some worse experiences with girls, from the time my van broke down in the middle of an intersection outside a McDonald’s parking lot on my way to the senior prom with my girl, to the time I fell trying to get to the car first because I was trying to hide my awakened um.
Oh, and leave Keenan out of this. While he isn’t that talented, either…he isn’t an annoying immature brat like his brothers.
by Slica on Jul 31, 2008 4:42 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Diary of a man who refuses to date girls who either like or associate with people who DON'T like the movie 'White Chicks'
7/21
Janet seemed perfect, frankly. She had a zany sense of humor, from what I’d seen. Hell, she even liked Cosmopolitans, and that just reminds me of one of my favorite lines from WC, when Brittany tells Tiffany, “Sweetie, you’ve got to slow up with those cosmos!” I actually used that line tonight; I love dropping quotes in to conversation, you know, to see if they’re fans too. I don’t really think she got it, and just totally misunderstood the comment. It was a bit awkward there for a while, but I assured her that it would be hi-larious once she saw the movie. I left a copy of the DVD with her, so I’m really excited to talk to her tomorrow about what she thought.
7/22
Is 2am too late to call? She’s had like 3, 3.5 hours to watch it. I’m a bit surprised I haven’t heard the phone ring, to be honest. The first half hour… oh my god, that first half hour… it fucking GRABS you. I’m going to call her. It’s been a while since I’ve talked with someone who had just seen it, like totally fresh. Especially without preconceived notions thanks to the blatantly fucking ANTI-WAYANS ‘mainstream’ douchebag media. Fucking…IMBECILES… FUCK! I can’t call like this. I can’t.
7/22
I’m going to call her.
7/23
I’ve had better phone calls. Look, she was way too shallow to get that movie… the message is about going so far for the job, for the mission, that you subsume your entire identity. Can a self-absorbed woman do that? Quite clearly, the answer is no.
7/29
Jamila looks unbelievably hot in the photo. I’m nervous, to be honest. I just want her to feel at ease, but she’s not going to be able to do that if I’m a wreck. I’m going to pop in the DVD and watch scene 23 again.
I think it’s probably just because I’ve had a few days to think about this, but the more I read her profile, the more I think she could be really special. I’VE got to be really special. I’m.. yes, goddamn it, I’m going to do it. What would the Copeland brothers do? They’d go all out. I’m going to paint my face black – I’m going to show that I am MORE than willing to play with my identity. I’m willing to step outside society’s comfort zone to show that I want her to be comfortable. She’s going to be amazed.
7/30
I think she WAS amazed, I really do, but I just don’t think she understood my point. I didn’t really have a chance to explain it, honestly. I really don’t think she’s going to give the movie an honest viewing now, so it’s no big loss.
8/3
Says here that Sarah really likes ‘silly comedies.’ I’m… look, I’m not going to say I’m hopeful anymore. I just don’t know how to see eye to eye with… like, anyone. There are things..more things than I can count… that I can compromise on. But some things, I can’t. I just can’t.
8/5
Well that was a total fucking disaster. I have no idea what that was about, but I now know that I HATE Charlie Kaufman. How was that silly? We got into a big argument afterwards. No, Wes Anderson isn’t funny either. No, actually, I DON’T want to watch something that’s a little more ‘true to life.’ Why? I have friends with understated quirks. Now I’ve got to pay $8 to see them run around and have hijinks? No thanks.
You know what she said? She said, “If you hate real life so much, why don’t you like Pan’s Labyrinth or something?” Uh, subtitles? This chick is a total wannabe intellectual. The more I think about it, the more I think she had an agenda. Can’t wait to read your review of ‘Scary Movie 8’ for ‘I’m an Elitist College Whore’ monthly. Go watch some French movie about existential ennui, scum.
8/9
I’m told that ‘I love you’ are the three most beautiful words in the English language. I’m willing to bet that ‘All Asian, All Anal’ are the FOUR most beautiful words in the English language, however.
8/10
Wait, is that still three words?
8/13
I’m so alone. White Chicks marathon at MY house! Cosmos, popcorn, beer! C’mon over!
Ha!
I might have to die, I’m starting to think.
by marc w on Jul 31, 2008 10:43 PM PDT reply actions 8 recs
"Wait, is that still three words?"
Genius.
I hate baseball.
by acblue on Jul 31, 2008 10:57 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This is the best thing i have read in a while.
original content FTW!
I have eight watches. None of them are fake.
by RafaelCarmona22 on Jul 31, 2008 11:20 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Jeff needs to rewrite this with blanks...
This screams Madlibs.
by Slica on Jul 31, 2008 11:35 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I think it would have been better with Code Name: The Cleaner.
"Hole in one, eh?"
by Coach Owens on Aug 1, 2008 3:49 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
You read too much McSweeney's.
I lol’d.
Have you read any Barthelme? He’ll blow your head off.
by sammy on Aug 4, 2008 11:34 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
High comedy!
The original post, and what I can only call ‘the response’ are simply awesome. I think every guy that’s ever dated has had some kind of experience where he’d like to just ditch the date, pretty sweet piece of work!
by dpseadv on Aug 7, 2008 10:36 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

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