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First Half In Review: Mariners Get Animated

The Mariner players' first half performances as Simpsons bit characters.

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Kenji Johjima: Snowball III
Died in a hurry.

Richie Sexson: Stampy
Appealing on the surface, Stampy soon became more trouble than he was worth, and when the cost of keeping him content became prohibitively high, he was sent out to pasture. Also, giant.

Jose Lopez: Smithers
It took Smithers a little while to find his voice, but before too long he settled in pretty nicely. However, he's incapable of carrying an episode by himself, and much of his appeal comes at his own expense.

Yuniesky Betancourt: Kent Brockman
Refuses to do anything until he has his danish.

Adrian Beltre: Lugash
Easily one of the most criminally underrated characters in the history of the show.

Raul Ibanez: Disco Stu
A consistent character who's good for some easy entertainment, it's only when you really think about it that you realize how little he contributes. Generally shines brightest in weaker episodes. Highly conspicuous despite a policy against self-advertising.

Ichiro: Little Yakuza guy standing still in the white suit
Capable of unthinkable ass-kicking. You can tell this guy's going to do something good just by looking at him.

Brad Wilkerson: Poochie
Aggressively advertised and brought in to shake things up, Poochie tried too hard and bombed on every front before mercilessly returning to his home planet, rarely to be seen again.

Jose Vidro: Lyle Lanley
Smooth-talking businessman with surface appeal who cons the city out of millions of dollars in building a shitty, broken-down monorail. Never would've been a problem had Springfield learned a lesson from North Haverbrook before.

Willie Ballgame: Jasper Johns
Habitual thief.

Miguel Cairo: Gil Gunderson
An unsuccessful attempted jack-of-all-trades, Gil's pathetic futility is endearing, because no matter how hard he tries, he can never do anything right. Started to get a little too much airtime.

Jeff Clement: Üter Zörker
An underdeveloped character, Üter has obvious potential to be an excellent source of entertainment, but for a number of reasons to this day he still hasn't broken through. It is unknown whether or not Clement has bosoms.

Wladimir Balentien: Captain Horatio McCallister
The sea captain is easy to love, but he seems lost in the big city and every single one of his business ventures turns into a failure. Two glass eyes leave him unable to recognize much of anything.

Jeremy Reed: Ray Patterson
Quiet and unassuming, Patterson is pretty good at what he does, but should anything go wrong, he's always in danger of being replaced by someone more flashy and ebullient.

Jamie Burke: Crazy Cat Lady
Went over great the first time, but started to get old pretty quick. Required a later plot twist to keep things fresh.

Greg Norton: Gulliver Dark
Kind of sleazy-looking older guy who made a big show at the beginning, never to be seen again.

Mike Morse: The Yes Guy
For the life of me I can't figure out why this guy keeps coming back. He's annoying and painfully unfunny.

Tuglett: Ms. Albright
I'll just let you guys figure this one out.

Charlton Jimerson: Roy

Roy: Good news, everybody. I'm moving into my own apartment with two sexy ladies.
Marge: Oh, then I guess this is goodbye, Roy. Maybe we'll see you in a few years.

Felix: Bumblebee Man
Despite having demonstrated many different abilities at one point or another, Bumblebee Man continues to rely on his trademark over-the-top slapstick to pay the bills. And it works, as he's been able to sustain his celebrity on Channel Ocho for as long as the show's been running.

Erik Bedard: Gabbo
Heavily promoted and wildly popular at first, Gabbo was later canceled when it was revealed that he's kind of a dick.

Carlos Silva: Helen Lovejoy
One-trick pony with all of the traits that you hate in a person and none of the traits that you like. Always has to have something to say. Over-inflated sense of self-worth.

Jarrod Washburn:Lindsey Naegle
Extroverted and annoying, you know she only has a limited number of appearances, but even so it feels like she shows up in every episode. While there's evidence that she's smart, she demonstrates a very narrow range of talents. Admitted sexual predator.

Miguel Batista: Rex Banner
Sole purpose seemed to be to prevent anybody from having fun.

Brandon Morrow: Leopold
Pure terror.

Sean Green: Lou the cop
Understated and intelligent, Lou's the competent officer in a department full of retards. Rarely has a bad scene, although easily forgettable.

RRS: LT Smash
Although the character himself is rather hit-or-miss, one magnificently superliminal moment was enough to earn him all kinds of leeway.

Mark Lowe: Duffman
Duffman made a grand entrance, and he's always a bit of a spectacle, but over time his brazen flamboyance has come to miss the target more and more often. With a touch more self-control, he could get back to being an excellent secondary character.

JJ Putz: Hank Scorpio
Successful, friendly, and outgoing, you wouldn't know from meeting Scorpio that he's capable of such utter badassery and carnage. The show hasn't been the same since the end of his episode.

Arthur Rhodes: Talking dog from the Space Coyote episode
You don't expect a dog that doesn't even get ten seconds of airtime to make much of an impact, but to this day I still cherish its one line of dialogue. True quality from an unlikely source.

RA Dickey: Hans Moleman
Moleman wasn't supposed to last very long, but over time he came to endear himself to the producers and found himself succeeding in a bigger role. Polite, quiet, and freakish in appearance, much of the humor comes out of watching him escape dangerous situations relatively unscathed.

Eric O'Flaherty: Whitey Ford
Whitey's entire appearance consisted of him getting whacked and buried by pretzels.

Roy Corcoran: Boobarella
Even when the show sucked, The Simpsons could still recycle somebody else's character and make it somewhat funny.

Cesar Jimenez: Johnny Tightlips
I don't think enough people understand how awesome this guy was for his like two lines.

Cha Baek: Jay Sherman
While Sherman was effective when given the chance, he was far better off with a bigger role on his own awesome show that nobody watched.

23 recs | Comment 174 comments

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I just realized how truly endearing this show was

I have not watched a single episode in roughly… 3, maybe 4, years, and yet I still knew pretty much every single character you mentioned, and even remembered their more memorable moments.
Also:

Felix: Bumblebee Man

/thatsracist.gif

HA HA HA, your Grandpa's an ASS!- Tourette's Guy (R.I.P)

by tootthekazoo on Jul 17, 2008 2:48 AM PDT   0 recs

As well as:
Ichiro: Little Yakuza guy standing still in the white suit

One Vision, One Purpose
Peace Through Power

by Goose on Jul 17, 2008 8:16 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I miss The Critic : (

Underrated, and oddly nostalgic.

by Slica on Jul 17, 2008 3:25 AM PDT   0 recs

Comedy Central kept it going for years though

I never saw it on Fox, but managed to catch most episodes on CC.

by marc w on Jul 17, 2008 8:10 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

It was for a season, then Fox picked it up.

That’s what spawned the infamous Simpsons/Critic crossover episode.

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 8:13 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I thought it was like 2 years?

I remember it used to be on back to back with Dr. Katz which was another awesome show for it’s introduction to me of certain comics and ever since I wish stand up comedy was accompanied by funny sketches; which is why Demetri Martin rules.

by Matthew on Jul 17, 2008 9:15 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

It only ran for two seasons, but CC still airs reruns.

The fact that Family Guy is still on the air after five seasons and The Critic got canceled after two is a sad commentary on society.

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 9:18 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Yeah, that seems to be their MO

Critic
Futurama
Firefly
I can probably name more

I'd rather know a little about a lot than a lot about a little

by Sportszilla on Jul 17, 2008 9:46 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Futurama was the biggest travesty of them all.

No set schedule, no one knew when new episodes were airing.

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 9:53 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Eh.

It’s not great, but it’s not terrible.

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 10:10 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I don't think they're good at writing full lengths.

They move too slowly with too few jokes. They were best when trying to cram a good idea into 22 minutes. If only they could do BBC 30 minute eps I think they would be perfect.

by Matthew on Jul 17, 2008 11:08 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I thought both the ATHF and 1st Futurama movies were horrible.

Neither one focused on the original characters nearly enough.

AKA "BRO-RAY" according to drunk Graham...

by Thingray on Jul 17, 2008 2:38 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

The ATHF movie grew on me after a few viewings.

To me, it was like a good majority of the episodes—they don’t impress me at first, but after five or six viewings I think they’re genius.

by Teej on Jul 17, 2008 5:57 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I finally bought the entire-series box set last year.

What a great show. It’s hilarious, but it has softer moments that make the characters feel authentic. It’s a different kind of comedy, and it pains me that it was so screwed from the get-go.

It’s because of The Critic that I am incapable of speaking ill of Jon Lovitz, even though I know I should.

by Teej on Jul 17, 2008 1:49 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I really think Bavasi is a far, far better Gil than Cario. But then who's Cario?

Oh, and thank goodness for this site…

http://simpsons.wikia.com/

Allows me to double check my memory.

by SethGrandpa on Jul 17, 2008 3:37 AM PDT   0 recs

The former.

Erik Bedard: Gabbo
Heavily promoted and wildly popular at first, Gabbo was later canceled when it was revealed that he’s kind of a dick.

Definitely the former.

by ningwers on Jul 17, 2008 5:15 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Erik Bedard: All Mariners fans are SOBs.

I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Also, I'm always down for some online Grand Theft Auto IV or Rock Band. Gamertag: Phildopip

by Phildopip on Jul 17, 2008 8:13 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

you're going to pretend you didn't have to do any research here...

...but really, there’s no way you knew Uter’s last name. Plus, who the F is Gulliver Dark??

David Ortiz > God

by brick Royl on Jul 17, 2008 7:05 AM PDT   0 recs

You should click on the the link in SethGrandpa's post.

You probably don’t remember his name, but you’ll remember who he is once you search a little.

by Jed MC on Jul 17, 2008 7:29 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

There is this marvelous tool known as Google.

It is operated by information-pixies and data-faeries. Each time you enter in a query such as “Jay Sherman,” a pixie or data fairy will painstakingly search and scour the vast interweb, hand-selecting the correct information for you. It is their livelihood and source of happiness.

So, please, harness the power of the mighty Google. The magical homeland of the pixies and faeries depends on it.

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 8:11 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Fantastic. I miss good Simpsons.

One Vision, One Purpose
Peace Through Power

by Goose on Jul 17, 2008 8:17 AM PDT   0 recs

Seasons 3 - 7...

...man, those were the days…

by oc on Jul 17, 2008 2:40 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I'm in the same boat.

I just kind of stopped watching it, and as I grow older, I regret not watching more. Now it seems like catching up is too much work.

by Teej on Jul 17, 2008 1:53 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

I think they would have been funnier as Harry Potter characters

The Jose Lopez Watch - 113 H - 12 BB - 67 G Left

by seattlebruin on Jul 17, 2008 9:40 AM PDT   0 recs

Harry Potter is awful

Ruining those books for other people was the only good part about that series

by Last Fan Of Jose Lopez on Jul 17, 2008 12:27 PM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Harry Potter books are great

as doorstops. And paperweights.

Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.

by pdb on Jul 17, 2008 9:54 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

Kids on the playground used to bully me and call me Encyclopedia Brown.

Boy_Detective.jpg/180px-Encyclopedia_Brown-_Boy_Detective.jpg”/>

by BrianL on Jul 17, 2008 9:57 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

So... is this a massive fail pic attempt

or is my work doing something to my browser?

The Jose Lopez Watch - 113 H - 12 BB - 67 G Left

by seattlebruin on Jul 17, 2008 9:58 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

And A

and LATE

The Jose Lopez Watch - 113 H - 12 BB - 67 G Left

by seattlebruin on Jul 17, 2008 9:58 AM PDT to parent up   0 recs

The only difference between Potter and the books I read as a kid

is that they’re longer, and aggressively marketed.

by G