Mariners Draft Room Discussion


I was just wondering what it would've been like to throw one of us into the Mariner’s draft room…


Me:  “Hey guys thanks a lot for letting me be in here.  I have to admit, this is pretty cool.”
Howard Lincoln:
  “Hey no problem, we try to be accepting of all our fans.  *Coughaslongasthey’renotlesbianskissingintheparkcoughcough*”
:  “Nothing.”
Me:  “Ok…anywho…so who are you guys targeting this year?  Melville?  Friedrich?”
Bill Bavasi:  “Actually we’ve got our eye on Fields, the reliever from Georgia.”
Me:  “…  …  You’ve got to be shitting me…”
Bavasi:  “Huh?  Why?  He’s sure to come in and make an immediate impact.”
Me:  “You should never draft a reliever in the 1st round.  It’s just stupid.  Plus, this team is God awful.  Shouldn’t you be building for the future?”
Chuck Armstrong:  “Actually we think are rabid fan base will understand the move.  Really we’re just a couple bad breaks away from going on a long win streak.”
Me:  “First off, what rabid fan base?  The blogosphere that hates you and the few folk in Seattle who are fair-weather fans?  And secondly, a couple bad breaks?  You mean like the Bedard trade, Silva signing, Washburn signing, Sexson signing, Cario signing, playing Raul in LF…”
Bavasi:  “Hey, those guys are just in slumps!  They need to think about how they should be playing according to their contracts and they’ll snap out of it.”
Me:  “Sure.  Right.  Whatever.  Did you at least talk this over with Fontaine?  Where is he buy the way?”
Lincoln:  :runs over and shuts an open door where man bearing a strange resemblance to Bob Fontaine is being waterboarded:
Armstrong:  “He’s…umm…taking a vacation.  I’m sure once he gets a little…umm…swimming in him he’ll come back and agree with all our moves.  …  I think it’d be better if we dropped that subject.”
Bavasi:  :timidly nods ‘yes’ with terror in his eyes:
Me:   :nervously:  “Ha ha….so umm…I assume the plan would be for Fields to take over the 8th inning soon and stretch Brandon Morrow out to be a starter, right?”
Armstrong:  “Don’t be silly!  Have you seen how good Morrow has been recently?  No, with our starters struggling so much we realized we need to just have relievers set up for 3rd inning on for every game.  Fields will sure up the 7th.  Morrow the 8th.  Putz the 9th.  All we need is a few more years drafting and we’ll have the full thing set up.  It’s foolproof!”
Me:  “Good God.  I hate you all so much.  I think I need a drink.”
Lincoln:  “That’s not a very family friendly attitude.  Here take this old jersey.”
Me:  “This is an Adam Jones Mariners jersey.  Now you’re just trying to break my spirit.”
Lincoln and Armstrong:  :simultaneously:  “We have a good habit of doing that.”
:timidly nods ‘yes’ with terror in his eyes:
Armstrong:  “I know what’ll cheer you up!  We’ve…I mean Bill has drawn up a new contract that we’re planning on offering Mariner favorite Ken Griffey Jr. at the end of the year!  It’s a 7 year, $90 million dollar deal that will lock “The Kid” up for the rest of his career!  Couple that with the long term extensions we’ve drawn up for Raul, Richie, Cario, and Washburn, and we’ll be competitors for years to come.”
  “We’re also going to trade Jeff Clement and Carlos Triunfel to the Indiana Pacers for Jermaine O’Neal.”
  “Ok…now you’re just fucking with me.”
  “Actually Larry Bird called us up and said that only an idiot would take his terrible contract.  Oh Larry…that kidder.  We think we can stretch out Jermaine’s arm and make him an effective starter.  Imagine how intimidating he’d look on the mound!  Larry said he’d even through in a signed basketball.  I signed ball by Larry Legend!  How can you pass that up?!?”
  “Shut up!  I think you need to sit in that chair and think about what you’ve done and how you’re failing to live up to your potential as a fan invited into such a prestigious place.  You’re ruining the chemistry in the room!”
John McLaren: :pokes his head in through a door:  “I'm tired of your (expletive) attitude, and so are these guys! You’ve got to change this (expletive) around and get after it! Bill’s pissed off, and I'm pissed off, and Howie and Chuck are pissed off. And that's the way it is. There's no (expletive) easy way out of this. You’ve gotta (expletive) buckle it up and put on a happy face!”

Me:  “Maybe I can talk myself into being a Rays fan….”


Editor's Note:  This is what happens when I don’t go to sleep until 4 am for about a week straight.

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