12-14
A few years ago, getting on a flight in Europe in the middle of a vacation, I remember thinking "if this plane goes down, I won't really mind." Sure, my life would be cut tragically short, and I'd never be able to experience wonderful things like childbirth or an Ottawa Stanley Cup, but at that point in time - in the middle of that European vacation - I was just about as happy as I'd ever been. Nothing was bothering me and I was in the greatest of moods. And I've always thought that if I have to die some day*, I'd like it to be at a time where I'm at absolute peak happiness, so I can go out with a smile. I don't think there's a better way to leave this world.
That thought occurred to me again this afternoon, right after the top of the second inning. After falling behind Frank Thomas 1-0, Felix proceeded to strike out the side with his next nine pitches. Jaw-dropping. My Felix-related euphoria flew through the roof and into the clouds, as I'd just watched a 22 year-old phenom pull off perhaps the greatest Mariner inning ever pitched. I could hardly believe what I'd seen, and it was all I could do not to get in my car and drive north so as to beg Felix to adopt me as a son. Right then, if a guy had suddenly broken into the house and shot me dead, I would've been okay with it, because my last memory of Earth would've been an incredible one.
But that's not how the universe works. The universe doesn't end you at a high point. The universe gives you high points and then, without warning, takes them away, sending you careening on a downhill slope to an existence of agony and self-sabotage. That's the cosmic joke. Everything people do is done in pursuit of those moments of ecstasy, but what they don't realize is that those moments are fleeting, and that the moments that follow are absolutely, completely miserable. With existence in the hands of the universe, reaching peak happiness is only a guarantee that the rest of your days will be worse. And that's the life you get to live until you die.
This game was life in nine innings, and in the end the only thing I got out of it was a more thorough understanding of why old people tend to be so bitter and cynical. Life sucks, and you're lucky if you even get enough time to enjoy the moments that don't. It's stupid. And you've no choice but to get used to it.
* - based on a sample size of nearly 23 years, I am immortal
Biggest Contribution: Sean Green, +9.0%
Biggest Suckfest: Brandon Morrow, -24.7%
Most Important AB: Betancourt funk blast, +10.8%
Most Important Pitch: Brown single, -22.9%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): -28.9%
Total Contribution by Hitters: -21.1%
Total Contribution by Opposition: 0.0%
(What is this chart?)
Once again I'm going to get to the bullets a little later. A few more pressing issues to take care of first.
0 recs |
144 comments
Comments
More pressing matters?
Hiding from the Japanese in the parallel earth?
by coasty141 on Apr 27, 2008 8:01 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Luckily the prospect of a new House
makes me want to stab things less.
by JI on Apr 27, 2008 8:10 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Really? Are you sure?
HIV POSITIVE??
by qrsouther on Apr 28, 2008 5:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I went for a walk this afternoon after the game.
It was drizzly a bit, but that’s comforting in a way, and it was warm enough to walk around in just a light jacket. I walked down to Seattle center and just strolled along. Pretty much everything was closed so there wasn’t much foot traffic, but just walking around with some nice weather and a nice area gave me some calm back. Very zen.
by Matthew on Apr 27, 2008 8:05 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Zen's got nothing on hops.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Apr 27, 2008 8:20 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Does that mean Zen is not caucasian...
...cause caucasians cant jump.
Or something.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 10:40 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Don't say that it is racist per ESPN's Lz Granderson
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:41 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
As a chippewa...
Actually, you know what, I can’t afford another strike to my name.
/racist joke.
by qrsouther on Apr 28, 2008 5:58 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
something philosophical here
LL has helped me cope with being a fan of the mariners. but seriously, spot on way of looking at/dealing with life that.
by Diatribe on Apr 27, 2008 8:07 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
just wondering Jeff
how did you become a Sens fan?
I used to live there before moving north of Seattle and I’m a huge fan of the Sens too. how did you and some others here become Sens fans?
by Tony S on Apr 27, 2008 8:21 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
He was looking at the standings and saw the Sens were in last.
And now he’s a Sens fan.
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
by Coach Owens on Apr 27, 2008 8:26 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
And I root for the Redwings.
Go Wings Go!
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
by Coach Owens on Apr 27, 2008 8:38 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Because you are dumb
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
by Mariner John on Apr 27, 2008 11:04 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I liked their mascot
I wish I were kidding.
by ningwers on Apr 27, 2008 8:35 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I was watching the game at the gym
and the guy working there asked me “How do you watch the Mariners? I can’t even watch them, its like watching a guy waking up from a coma.” I reassured him its painful, but I was still watching, despite Oakland already putting the 4 spot in the 8th. Then I wondered, why do I keep watching? I know there is little chance with the puny offense the M’s currently have that they can come back, especially after watching Wilkerson strike out. I guess I really do love them. I don’t know why, the management is shoddy, maybe its because they are the home town team. Why do I still watch? Maybe I just hope one day I will see a Mariners world series first hand, or be able to go into a Mariners team store and buy a pair of playoff tickets in September because I am so sure they will make it, or witness a Felix no-hitter in person, or one day there will be a Mariners bandwagon just like the sox bandwagon now, I can proudly say I hung in there when they were down and everyone doubted them. But nonetheless, after today’s crappy ending to such a good game, I stay a fan of the Mariners.
Thanks Jeff and everyone at LL to make being a Mariners fan less painful than it is. I would say being on a game thread during the game almost rivals being at the game in person. We can only hope one day they will get their act straight and be a well ran team, like the Rays.
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 8:21 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
"We can only hope one day they will get their act straight and be a well ran team, like the Rays"
or the Angels after watching them beat the Tigers tonight, sorry to say – they look well managed and are having fun out there – good formula for success
Anyone else agree the Cairo should replace Perlozzo until he gets back from his injury?
amen to your comment Fin, go M’s
by Tony S on Apr 27, 2008 8:26 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
31 years?
anyone counting on the M’s to get their act straight and be a well run team like the Rays is hoping for divine intervention….. sounds good, but the likelihood of it happening is less then Jeff’s odds of spending the rest of his life with Eliza Dushku.
Midnight Baseball - No Lights - Only in Alaska!
by MfaninAlaska on Apr 27, 2008 8:31 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This game felt like being Emily in The Devil Wears Prada and finding out
that, after all those months of gleeful anticipation, you won’t be going to Paris.
by Last Fan Of Jose Lopez on Apr 27, 2008 8:42 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
That's good
it saved me having to ask.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Apr 27, 2008 8:51 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
You know how I know you're gay?
That.
by OlSalty on Apr 27, 2008 8:57 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
In one day, I have watched The Devil Wears Prada and Georgia Rules
That is the curse of HBO and other assorted movie channels: If I see a movie is just starting, I feel compelled to watch it. I have gotten to the point where good movies and bad movies have equal value to me.
by Last Fan Of Jose Lopez on Apr 27, 2008 9:05 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Immortality
based on a sample size of nearly 23 years, I am immortal
In the end, we all regress to the mean.
formerly known as mdl
by iglew on Apr 27, 2008 8:53 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
You're only 23, Jeff?
I thought you were like 70 or something!
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
by Coach Owens on Apr 27, 2008 10:06 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
You must have missed how I graduated college last May
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:09 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
or the opening day pic you posted
a 70 year old could of graduated college last may
FREE JEREMY REED!!
by MFAN on Apr 27, 2008 10:16 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That's true
how about the Opening Day pic from last year, standing at college?
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:23 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
How do we know that that's actually you?
It could have been your friend or something.
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
by Coach Owens on Apr 27, 2008 10:25 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm leaving this subthread due to lack of interest
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:27 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Aw, you're just mad because I proved
that you might actually be 70!
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
by Coach Owens on Apr 27, 2008 10:28 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Where is that pic?
That compares the two?
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 10:34 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Just wasted the last 15 minutes digging up this picture
Enjoy again. I sure did. 
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 11:11 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I don't really see the Gil Meche resemblence.

by JI on Apr 27, 2008 11:15 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
But y'know, I don't think Stifler would drink beer from a wine glass
Jeff’s classy like that.
by OlSalty on Apr 27, 2008 11:22 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah, how dare you denigrate 70 year old college grads everywhere
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:22 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
4 semesters of a language can take awhile
Where did you graduate from?
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:27 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Trinity College
The best part of Hartford was the Half Door. The worst part was everything else.
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:28 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Haha, liberal arts for the win. What did you major in?
Never been to Connecticut. And I’m not sure I ever will by choice…
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:30 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Chemistry
Don’t go to Connecticut unless you’re driving from New York to Boston.
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:41 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Not quite a liberal art I guess.
Congrats none the less, I’m sure that was a great feeling to graduate. One more year for me.
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:42 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
To hell with graduating
it was a great feeling to get out of Hartford.
by Jeff on Apr 27, 2008 10:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I've heard similar sentiments from all the ESPNers
who have migrated to LA from Bristol.
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:45 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Just think how much better your experience would've been if the Whalers were still in town
by ningwers on Apr 27, 2008 10:33 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I lived around the corner from that fine establishment in 2001/02
it was, indeed, the best part of Hartford.
Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.
by pdb on Apr 28, 2008 6:58 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
No LL...
... and I woulda bailed on the M’s three years ago instead of stumbling into this life lesson in humiliation! And yeah, Felix had the game wired there for a while: Maybe he’s learning a baseball lesson from Bedard? So simple, and yet so fine.
by flightrisk on Apr 27, 2008 10:18 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
The cosmic joke.
God is a comedian playing to an audience to afraid to laugh.
A game like this is like watching a Yo-Yo Ma concert, only to have him break a string in the third movement and be replaced by the local grade school beginning band class – yes it’s painful, but you have to be able to look back on it with a sense of humor and appreciation for the spectacle of human mastery that you witnessed.
by MrIncognito on Apr 27, 2008 10:28 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Speaking of college...
My ASU blog will probably go live on SBN in a week or two once all the current sites are switched over to 2.0. People should come check it out when the time comes
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 10:35 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
You have an SBN Blog?
pfft
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:26 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Alcohol
So I drank Everclear tonight. Anyone ever have it? Banned in the state of Washington and several other states.
Luckily I lived in a real ghetto and got my hands on it easily.
95% Alcohol, 190 Proof. 9 bucks. Grim death.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:03 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
I think Coach just called the cops on you...I'd watch out
FREE JEREMY REED!!
by MFAN on Apr 27, 2008 11:05 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Cops here wont do anything.
Ive never been arrested because I just outrun them.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:09 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
everclear is banned in washington?
man, this state is dumb.
by Matthew on Apr 27, 2008 11:06 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Thats what I heard.
I was warned by a chick I met in Seattle…so I go buy some alcohol for a couple friends, asking what they wanted…one said ‘grain’. So I went in, asked for grain…he gave me Everclear. I knew immediately what it was. My friends nearly passed out smelling it.
Smells like melted sharpie.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:09 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
How are you so coherent?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
by Mariner John on Apr 27, 2008 11:10 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I have high tolerance
Its worn off now. Even so, when im drunk I can hide it outside broken sentences and occassional typos.
I drank 5 shots. I calculated (hows that for chemistry, Jeff?) that 5 shots is the equivalent to about 13.5 shots of Absolut. The only time I threw up drinking was after 16-20 shots of Absolute. Just sticking to a safe zone. It takes about 10 shots of Absolut to get me drunk at all.
I was singing to a chick lol. I sang ‘Stray Cat Strut’ to her, complete with gyrations. “I get my dinner from the garbage can…”. Good times.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:17 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It tastes like...
Uhh…it wont matter. You wont feel your throat for about 12 hours. If you have acid reflux (i do myself), it feels like that for hours after you drink it.
I remember reading that 200 proof is PURE alcohol. So I imagine 190 is one of the toughest drinks in the world.
When I first got it and drank with two male friends…they stripped and ran down the street/bridge. Silly dudes, I’ve done that before without drinking. I took them to Walmart afterwards. That was a bad idea. They stole a tomato and started throwing it at each other INSIDE the store.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:23 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Holy crap
Thats a huge bottle.
Mine is 375ML.
Its easy to slip a 2nd shot after the first. But after the 2nd shot, the first one will kick in and make you put the bottle down. From there on, you have to be a man to keep taking shots.
I drank it straight from the bottle with a lemon lime Gatorade chaser. Wish I got grape, its better as a chaser.
Its been 4 hours, and I still cant feel my throat.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:40 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's like someone took the ethanol bottle from the fume hood
and slapped a label on it.
by JLC on Apr 28, 2008 12:16 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
DO NOT DRINK LAB ETHANOL
DO NOT DRINK LAB ETHANOL
DO NOT DRINK LAB ETHANOL
by Jeff on Apr 28, 2008 12:19 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Isn't absinthe illegal over there too?
by Graham on Apr 27, 2008 11:12 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Absinthe just got legal.
The real stuff . . . . mmmmmmmm, wormwood extract.
Also, I had Everclear punch at a party at UW once, and nobody mentioned illegality.
Other than underage drinking, of course.
by Paytheline on Apr 27, 2008 11:15 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The worst I've ever done was bacardi 151
and let me tell you, that burns like a mother[smurf]. Fortunately, it kept my tummy warm for a while.
The closest I’ve been to absinthe was seeing it on eurotrip. I am guessing it doesn’t really glow does it?
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 11:23 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
no
it also tastes like shit and doesn’t do anything.
by Matthew on Apr 27, 2008 11:26 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Wrong
Absinthe will blow your brains out if your don’t dilute it maybe 3 to 1.
They banned it because they thought the thujone (wormwood extract) made people crazy. But they later proved that the crazies were just really drunk. So now we may all enjoy again.
And what the hell—here’s a great absinthe link: http://www.absintheonline.com/acatalog/about.html
by Paytheline on Apr 27, 2008 11:34 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Ok, it makes you really drunk
That’s because it’s got a lot of alcohol in it.
by Graham on Apr 27, 2008 11:38 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
This was interesting
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080117000332AAeA3WZ
Never heard of ‘Sake’. Absinthe’s hallucination stuff is bull. But the comparison is interesting. Glad to know ive been drinking ‘moonshine’ lately.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:36 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
you've never heard of sake?
where the hell have you been?
by Matthew on Apr 27, 2008 11:37 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Depends
I suppose, on the specific absinthe you’re drinking. There is some hardcore stuff out there.
by Paytheline on Apr 27, 2008 11:38 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Im sorta new to alcohol
I dont blow money on it…so Ive slowly been getting around to new shit. But I only started drinking last summer after like a 7-8 year layoff.
I have some Irish drink here called ‘Bailey’s’ Irish Cream. Dunno what the fuck it is, but it smells like vanilla coffee. Pretty weak, too. Also have Bicardi Rum. Weak, too. Both were free, so…
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
NEVERMIND
I must still be a little loopy. Bell just rung.
I know what Sake is, and I have had it before.
Big DUH type of thing.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:55 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
In your head, you pronounced it "Sake"
as in – “for the sake of” didn’t you. That happened to a friend at some Chinese restaurant. We made fun of him for quite a while.
...and now I'm here
by Librocrat on Apr 28, 2008 1:30 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Sake > Life
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:39 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Apparently a 151 proof version is allowed.
Thanks wikipedia.
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
by Mariner John on Apr 27, 2008 11:22 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It's banned? I've always been able to find it somehow...
by OlSalty on Apr 27, 2008 11:25 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I mean not that I ever drink it
It’s not even close to worth drinking for the pain it will inflict on you, but I’ve seen it all over the place.
by OlSalty on Apr 27, 2008 11:27 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
What the hell happened?
Did we just get Royals’d and Morrow’d?
We don't negotiate with terrorists.
by Mariner John on Apr 27, 2008 11:08 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Just to lighten the mood from this embarrassing loss.

by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 11:31 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs
Screw Family Guy
Tonights new episode made me realize why Family Guy is no longer funny or useful and has jumped the shark on just about everything that made the show funny
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:36 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Pretty sure the point was that there is a fat kid who looks just like, and happens to be namd
after the show’s character.
Not a comment on the show itself.
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 11:44 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That was the point
and it was supposed to be funny.
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 11:48 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
It is funny
I’m just pissed because I think tonight was the night that Family Guy, at one point one of my favorite shows, completely jumped the shark.
I’m just bitter
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:50 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I did not see tonights..
But I would argue that it jumped the proverbial shark a long time ago.
by ASUBoyd on Apr 27, 2008 11:51 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah it's been in a long, steady decline
for a long time now, but for me today was a final climax- a completely openly gay Stewie, even more (!) random cutaways that are less funny, a shoddy plot line, basically there were no redeeming features at all about the episode
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:52 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Openly gay Stewie???
WTF
This show used to be good.
by JI on Apr 27, 2008 11:56 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah
Stewie’s occasional subtle homosexual tendencies were hilarious, but in this instance he spent about half the episode just being obviously gay. It was a bummer
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:58 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I didn't watch
I like trainwrecks, I’ll have to find a copy of this.
by JI on Apr 27, 2008 11:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
foxondemand.com
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
won't be up for three days though
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 28, 2008 12:00 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yep
although having watched both the new FG and the new AD today, I’d say I enjoyed watching the American Dad more
but that’s like asking me if I’d rather be lit on fire or shot repeatedly
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 28, 2008 12:03 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I agree
New episodes definately not as funny as the last one. I loved when south park mocked family guy though, now that was hilarious. 
by Fin on Apr 27, 2008 11:52 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
yes
South Park always wins
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:53 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Agreed
Family Guy is too hit and miss. And does it ever have a cohesive story? I like Family Guy, but its basically punchline after punchline.
by Slica on Apr 27, 2008 11:58 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
The older episodes did I think
I think with the onset of the 5th season it started to collapse, and now there’s no story at all.
But today there were just huge gaping plot holes
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:59 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I've been advocating they just go 100% in one direction or the other.
by JI on Apr 28, 2008 12:00 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
Yeah that would be good
Right now it’s just loose stories with random 60-90 second cutaways at important points in the plot development and the cutaways are more annoying than funny
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 28, 2008 12:02 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
that's nice
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:49 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
I'm not Corco
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 27, 2008 11:54 PM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
My username begs to differ
Determined, Jonesing Commentor
by I'm NOT Corco on Apr 28, 2008 12:35 AM PDT up reply actions 0 recs
That was an amazing write up
Jeff, thanks for encapsulating the human condition after such a harsh loss. Excellent work.
by Smegmalicious on Apr 28, 2008 3:35 AM PDT reply actions 0 recs
It's so not fair
That Felix gets negative contribution points.
by qrsouther on Apr 28, 2008 5:53 PM PDT reply actions 0 recs

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