12-14

A few years ago, getting on a flight in Europe in the middle of a vacation, I remember thinking "if this plane goes down, I won't really mind." Sure, my life would be cut tragically short, and I'd never be able to experience wonderful things like childbirth or an Ottawa Stanley Cup, but at that point in time - in the middle of that European vacation - I was just about as happy as I'd ever been. Nothing was bothering me and I was in the greatest of moods. And I've always thought that if I have to die some day*, I'd like it to be at a time where I'm at absolute peak happiness, so I can go out with a smile. I don't think there's a better way to leave this world.

That thought occurred to me again this afternoon, right after the top of the second inning. After falling behind Frank Thomas 1-0, Felix proceeded to strike out the side with his next nine pitches. Jaw-dropping. My Felix-related euphoria flew through the roof and into the clouds, as I'd just watched a 22 year-old phenom pull off perhaps the greatest Mariner inning ever pitched. I could hardly believe what I'd seen, and it was all I could do not to get in my car and drive north so as to beg Felix to adopt me as a son. Right then, if a guy had suddenly broken into the house and shot me dead, I would've been okay with it, because my last memory of Earth would've been an incredible one.

But that's not how the universe works. The universe doesn't end you at a high point. The universe gives you high points and then, without warning, takes them away, sending you careening on a downhill slope to an existence of agony and self-sabotage. That's the cosmic joke. Everything people do is done in pursuit of those moments of ecstasy, but what they don't realize is that those moments are fleeting, and that the moments that follow are absolutely, completely miserable. With existence in the hands of the universe, reaching peak happiness is only a guarantee that the rest of your days will be worse. And that's the life you get to live until you die.

This game was life in nine innings, and in the end the only thing I got out of it was a more thorough understanding of why old people tend to be so bitter and cynical. Life sucks, and you're lucky if you even get enough time to enjoy the moments that don't. It's stupid. And you've no choice but to get used to it.

* - based on a sample size of nearly 23 years, I am immortal

Biggest Contribution: Sean Green, +9.0%
Biggest Suckfest: Brandon Morrow, -24.7%
Most Important AB: Betancourt funk blast, +10.8%
Most Important Pitch: Brown single, -22.9%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): -28.9%
Total Contribution by Hitters: -21.1%
Total Contribution by Opposition: 0.0%
(What is this chart?)

Once again I'm going to get to the bullets a little later. A few more pressing issues to take care of first.