OT: hilarious essay

by redwolf75 on Feb 26, 2008 9:23 PM PST

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/image/essay/1

Now, I'm sure some people have seen this, but for those that haven't, you're in for a treat.

Without exception, this is the funniest thing I've read in a long time. I sprayed Dr. Pepper over my LCD screen just looking this over.

I guess it's the complete and utter randomness that makes it such a work of genius. According to the description, it's a legit essay turned in for a college course, but to be realistic, that's probably unlikely.

These are pretty funny too, if not in the same league:

http://www.jimmyr.com/blog/Funny_Student_Exam_Answers_91_2007.php

Tweet Comment 30 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

holy fucking shit dude

"You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."

by JI on Feb 26, 2008 9:33 PM PST reply actions

I saw that awhile back

I only wish there weren't so many marks on the paper, because they are all obviously fake. They should of at least made it believable

by mariners124m on Feb 26, 2008 9:33 PM PST reply actions

Yeah, when the "teacher" mispells

"too" "to", then you know something is fishy.

by redwolf75 on Feb 26, 2008 9:37 PM PST up reply actions

Funny, but the exam answers page is better

as someone who spent 3 years as a TA grading homeworks and exams it hits close to home.

by Matthew on Feb 26, 2008 9:38 PM PST reply actions

the elephant is a keeper

"You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."

by JI on Feb 26, 2008 9:39 PM PST up reply actions

My stats teacher

back in HS actually showed them to us during class -- I think the elephant was his favorite.

by redwolf75 on Feb 26, 2008 9:43 PM PST up reply actions

The exam page is WAY better

Find x.

Here it is!

Why the hell did I never think of that?

I'm Gomez and I write about many things.

by Gomez on Feb 26, 2008 9:47 PM PST up reply actions

I disagree

but just so you know, I've proof read a thousand essays for a thousand assholes and this isn't as far from the truth as you may think

"You know, as that was coming out of my mouth, I knew that it was wrong."

by JI on Feb 26, 2008 9:53 PM PST up reply actions

That is not a hilarious essay

Nice Guys Finish Third - Hopelessly lost, but makin' good time.

by pdb on Feb 26, 2008 9:38 PM PST reply actions

i found some parts comical

but did not like or get the lou gehrig part, since lou gehrig is one of my favorite baseball players of all time.

http://seattlesportsmaniac.blogspot.com

by LantermanC on Feb 26, 2008 9:54 PM PST up reply actions

You know,

I agree that the essay does require a certain... immature element to one's sense of humor.

by redwolf75 on Feb 26, 2008 10:29 PM PST up reply actions

My favorite

was this answer to an exam. You have to scroll through a bunch of stuff, so I'll just copy and paste.

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

The student got an A.

Refuse to progress!!

by Double06 on Feb 26, 2008 10:11 PM PST reply actions

The first time I saw this was in 1988

And the version you posted has morphed quite a bit over the years. Chemistry teachers have shown this joke to their students for a good long while.

by Sec 108 on Feb 27, 2008 10:45 AM PST up reply actions

Same here.

Though the original I saw had the prrof the other way around. Since the student had not yet had sex with his first-year dorm mate, hell must not have frozen over, and thus must be exothermic.

by Llewdor on Feb 27, 2008 11:03 AM PST up reply actions

That is the way I first saw it too.

Sometimes the internet is like a very long winded game of telephone. Do kids even play that game anymore?

by Sec 108 on Feb 27, 2008 12:00 PM PST up reply actions

Smart-ass kids like me ruined it

by intentionally mangling the message to produce more entertaining results.

by Llewdor on Feb 27, 2008 2:24 PM PST up reply actions

I guess I always thought that was the point.

by Sec 108 on Feb 27, 2008 2:28 PM PST up reply actions

wwbaker3 alerted me to this one from the same site

http://www.jimmyr.com/blog/Baby_Handling_Instructions_23_2008.php

Yesterday's Pants
A blog-thingy about the Mariners and stuff.

by BrettJMiller on Feb 26, 2008 10:17 PM PST reply actions

Just sent that one around the office

So we could all share in its hilarity

by coolguyrob on Feb 27, 2008 1:15 AM PST up reply actions

Ha. Tubgirl. Funny.

Also, that was actually 58% if I counted right, not 61. So it's an F. Take that... imaginary paper writing dude.

...and now I'm here

by CapSea on Feb 26, 2008 10:48 PM PST reply actions

It would be quite an achievement

if that paper actually got that high of a score.

by Mariner John on Feb 26, 2008 11:31 PM PST up reply actions

My personal statement to UW

consisted of a list of sports achievements. The achievements were as follows:

I threw a whiffle ball 65 miles per hour
I made three full court basketball shots in a row
I bowled a 265 (Omitted: It was right after sex)
I can shoot a rubber band across a room with an accuracy of +/- 2 inches.

Yeah, I got in. What now bitches?!

...and now I'm here

by CapSea on Feb 27, 2008 12:23 AM PST up reply actions

I wrote mine without using the letter 'e'.

because the rest of the UW app bored me and I was alloted classtime to write college essays.

by Matthew on Feb 27, 2008 10:24 AM PST up reply actions

I recently (8 months ago) had to look

at my transcript for a job application. I forgot about many of the classes I took as well as my GPA. I have no clue what I wrote for my college apps, but that was 14 years ago. Hell, I can't remember what I ate for lunch two days ago.

by Jed MC on Feb 27, 2008 10:46 AM PST up reply actions

I saved it.

Because my GPA was far lower than my friends', and I got in and they didn't/got delayed. So I considered it a personal achievement.

...and now I'm here

by CapSea on Feb 27, 2008 11:35 AM PST up reply actions

Uh

From my observation of the student body, I think they let you in as long as your personal statement contains complete sentences and makes some sort of attempt to represent ideas.

I go to Odegaard some nights and wonder how half these thug lifers, airheads and hoochie mamas got into UW in the first place.

I'm Gomez and I write about many things.

by Gomez on Feb 27, 2008 11:45 PM PST up reply actions

Don't forget.

Not all of them did. There are a lot of head start programs that go on at UW.

Also, don't dis your school. At least it's not WSU.

...and now I'm here

by CapSea on Feb 28, 2008 12:50 AM PST up reply actions

Or EWU/CWU.

by redwolf75 on Feb 28, 2008 11:18 AM PST up reply actions

The exam answers are funny as fuck.

The paper's obviously fake though. I saw a similar fake paper about Huck Finn on Facebook somewhere. It's funny, but the answers at least look believable whether they are or not.

THE FUTURE Richards, Cutler, Felix

by dbroncos31 on Feb 26, 2008 11:59 PM PST reply actions