Yesterday afternoon I sat down with Ironically Batless Adrian Beltre and had a little chat about baseball, acting, and the offseason. The transcript follows after the jump.
Hey there, thanks for taking the time to hang out.
the pleasure is all yours
It's been nearly two months since the end of the regular season. Have you had time now to get past the disappointment and sit back, relax, and think about how much you guys accomplished this year? This was a season that really rejuvenated the local fan base.
has guillen gone away yet
jose guillen, is he coming back
No, I don't think so. Why?
i hated him
when he'd go out there after a big win, celebrating, he thought he was being playful but his punches really hurt
nobody liked him he tried too hard
...so how disappointed were you with missing the playoffs? Back in 2004 you felt like you didn't do enough in the NLDS, and you must've been anxious to prove yourself on a bigger level.
this one time in texas he had a goat with a sign on its neck that said 'mariners 2002-2006'
and he had it in the clubhouse and he killed it in front of everybody
to motivate us
but johnny mac he's really sensitive and he couldn't handle that
then we lost nine games in a row
and raul had blood on his clothes from the goat and mrs raul doesn't like when raul comes home with blood on his clothes so it caused this whole to-do
jose ruined our season
You were featured in a team commercial this year with Jose Lopez and Yuniesky Betancourt portraying the "Double Play Twins", infielders who do everything together. You've done a few ads for the Mariners, now. Do you enjoy acting to get a little change of pace?
they're really like that
jose and yuni, they're like that all the time
when they were doing that with the bike no one told me they were shooting a commercial
What other things do you like to do outside of baseball? During the winter or on off-days, how do you pass the time?
sometimes during the summer i like to go out
i usually roll with ironically armless felix hernandez and appropriately heartless ichiro, they're good company and we never pay for anything
And during the offseason, how do you spend the time?
i'm with my family a lot in santo domingo
sandra she didn't like the 'ironically batless' part of my name at first but i explained and it didn't mean what she thought it meant so it's good now
There are a lot of people out there who look at your numbers in Seattle and think that you're a bust. What do you say to your critics?
i tell them i'm not
...they say that you haven't hit 30 homers or driven in 100 runs since coming to Seattle for what was then the biggest contract in franchise history. Do you think there's more that you could be doing to help this team win?
What do you say to the people who ask you that question?
i say to them no
Something that a lot of people have pointed out over the past few years is that you seem to have a weakness for breaking balls down and away. Is that something you've been working on?
Have you spent much time working on trying not to chase as many low and away breaking balls?
You froze up.
my hands feel clammy
Are you uncomfortable? Why are you rocking back and forth?
something made me nervous
...breaking balls are-
Okay, I won't press the issue.
my brain is throbbing
Just one last question. One of the highlights of the entire season was watching you give a signed bat to Red, your biggest fan, during a game late in the season.
that man is loony
You signed your signature on the bat. Did you write anything else before you gave it to him?
i wrote 'now my batlessness is no longer ironic'
I really appreciate you taking the time to talk with me today. Thank you so much, and best of luck going forward with the team.
please put me back on the windowsill, there's no sun on this desk