Hargrove: "Most of you probably don't know why we're having this meeting."
Hargrove: (to Hassey) "Really?"
Hassey: "Pretty sure, yeah."
Hargrove: You think?"
Hassey: "Just letting you know what I've heard."
Hargrove: (to everyone) "Okay, it's been brought to my attention that the exact opposite is true."
Hargrove: "This team is really struggling right now, and we need to get back on track as quickly as possible if we don't want to stay in the cellar all year."
Bloomquist: "Let us have it, skip!"
Hargrove: "Over these 42 games I've been able to get some understanding of what is and isn't working, and I think I finally see where the problem is."
Putz: "What's the old adage? 'It all starts at the top'?"
Hargrove: "Richie, A-Train, you guys are terrible."
Hargrove: "I mean, Jesus H Christ, guys, have you seen yourselves lately? Frankly, I'm a little embarrassed to be wearing the same uniform."
Bloomquist: "You don't just wear it, you fill that thing out!"
Hargrove: "The rest of you, seriously, you've been great. Couldn't have asked for more. Richie and Adrian though...well, we're in last place thanks to them, and that's all I'll say about that."
Sexson: :eyes a bat in the corner, begins to stand up:
Hargrove: "What's the matter, big guy? Gonna slug .391 all year and strike out 550 times? That going to help us win ballgames?"
Rohn: "Those are your career numbers, Mike."
Rohn: "Those numbers. They're yours, not his."
Sexson: :slowly sits back down, glaring:
Hargrove: "Who the hell are you?"
Reed: "The guy who'll have your job in a week."
Hargrove: "I hope you like the bench."
Reed: "I hope you like welfare."
Rohn: "Richie's hitting .209. Why not switch around the lineup a little? This one clearly isn't working."
Hargrove: "You ever seen a guy as big as Richie hitting anywhere else but cleanup? Didn't think so. Go back to whatever you were doing, whoever you are."
Rohn: "What does it tell you when your two worst hitters have taken up 21% of the team's at bats?"
Hargrove: "It tells me that you're an assface."
Chaves: :sighs again, louder:
Hargrove: "You have something to say, rookie?"
Pineiro: "Do you even remember why you called this meeting?"
Hargrove: "How about you shut your God damn trap and let me talk, frost job."
Reed: "Why don't you just tell Jose to sacrifice more and call it a day? A guy slugging .500 and leading the team in bunts, that's just phenomenal strategizing."
Hargrove: "Remind me, which one of us has coached in the World Series?"
Everett: "Which one of us has won one?"
Betancourt: "¿Qué se está encendiendo?"
Hernandez: "Él dijo que usted huele malo."
Betancourt: "Eso no es verdad, yo huele como un prado."
Hassey: "I think the bus driver's getting impatient. We need to get to the airport."
Hargrove: "Good meeting, guys. Let's get 'em tomorrow."
Sexson: "You better start sleeping with one eye open."
Hargrove: "You better start hitting with two eyes open."
Sexson: "You stupid old pig fu-"
Hassey: "GUYS. BUS. NOW."
Bloomquist: "Who wants to be my seat buddy??"
Ibanez: "Richie does."
Biggest Contribution: Ichiro, +13.8%
Biggest Suckfest: Joel Pineiro, -25.4%
Most Important "Hit": Ibanez DP, -10.2%
Most Important Pitch: Crosby single, -11.7%
Total Contribution by Pitcher(s): -24.5%
Total Contribution by Hitters: -27.9%
The only thing that could make today more depressing is seeing the headline "Pujols fill-in (Player A) lifts Cards" on the Yahoo! baseball front page. Which I just did, a second ago. .279/.375/.557. Meanwhile, Jeff Cirillo's hit .294 since returning to Milwaukee. Sometimes you really just have to sit back and wonder.
The Mariners welcome their fierce regional rivals to town tomorrow night, where "welcome" presumably means something much less hospitable than usual. The official site claims that great seats are still available for the Young/Washburn matchup, but given the level of animosity the two teams have for each other and how the fans totally feel the same way, I can't see that remaining the case much longer, so you'd better go snap up a seat or two before you're left on the outside looking in. And yes, making fun of a mythical rivalry with the cute and harmless Padres is way more fun than recapping a game in Oakland that nobody saw.